I had one of those days at work. I just wasn't happy there, for a number of reasons.
It kind of culminated in some raised voices between me and my boss. I was probably in the wrong for that, and I'm big enough to admit it, but the reason he was getting up in my space is why I was annoyed in the first place. It was an issue of time.
The specifics are boring, and I don't want to air that kind of thing in public anyway, but suffice it to say that I'm having a hard time fitting in culturally. As a consultant, I've learned more about software development as a process than I could ever recall. Regardless of the methodology, there is a method, and it generally involves specific roles and structure. Even iterative development styles start out with a reasonably clear goal in mind, and you get to that goal before your revise it.
And therein lies the problem. Despite all of this "process" around me, with meetings, disparate documentation, more meetings, and drive-by by-the-ways, I'm left either waiting for someone to do something (at which time others perceive me to be wasting time surfing the Web), or I'm spending time beyond the normal work day trying to catch up.
As a consultant, I always knew the value of my time. When I had to wait for something, I didn't work, and I didn't get paid. When I had to get things moving, I did work, and got paid, even if it was working from home. There is no question about accountability or earning your keep in that scenario. But when I wasn't working, I could be doing other work, and I think that's where I'm having such a hard time fitting in with a salary culture. I feel very strongly that my time is the only thing that I truly own, and I want to control it.
I'm trying to be objective about it as I can, to make sure that I'm not just being a stubborn asshole. When you're objective, you tend to want to compare for a frame of reference. So as I look at my co-workers, and I generally like most all of them, I see very different perspectives that are unlike mine. One guy has never had any other job, and knows only this going back to the early start-up days. Another guy shows a lot of fierce loyalty to do what it takes, I assume for some personal motivation. Yet another guy just goes along and doesn't want to rock the boat.
The truth is that I think those guys are right just as much as I am, because of different perspectives. I have a very, very rich perspective on things after the last year or so. Some of it is personal, like the separation, while other perspectives come from seeing others find themselves, put up with abusive relationships, or even recently, watch a new friend essentially deal with an inevitable and early death. As I'm now pulling out of my quarter-life crisis, more than ever, I understand how precious time is, even if I don't have a well-defined purpose in life.
Well, there are certain things I can define. I remember back in 2001, with my first lay-off and subsequent depression, being stressed out and working crazy hours didn't get me anywhere in the long run, that was for damn sure. I don't want to go back to that now, and I don't think I'll have to. But I also don't want to be in the uncomfortable feast/famine work cycle either. I like the people I work with, because some of them are fucking brilliant. I like my boss too, even though we got a bit heated today. I just want the process to run smoothly, so we're not always barely making or missing a deadline. The process needs to be better.
Talking through it like this really helps me see the bigger picture at least. Culture isn't easy to change. I don't think it's really my place to change it anyway. It's just that I've seen it work better, and I wish it did.
Time is so very precious to me. I like what I do, but it's not all I do. I need my employer to respect my time, so that I can respect my employer.